I woke up this morning later than what I planned… but what’s new. I slept well though and my bed was more comfortable than usual. My shower was refreshing, I threw on some clothes and was almost late for my meeting but made it there right on time… good thing number 3 for the day. I walked to the Cistern and sat outside with the intentions to read for class, but I didn’t..and was fine with that because I was sitting in the shade which was a tee bit chilly but with a little piece of sun shinning on me I was juust fine.
But I don’t feel happy….I’m not sad either, and I am far from content. I think I am scared. Which is something that I don’t believe I’ve ever felt before. Now I don’t mean like “boo! i gotcha!!” scared or “I’m home alone and hear a strange noise O_O”. This is more of….I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. I don’t know my purpose in life…and I don’t know if I’m on the right path to figuring that out either. Today failure and success are not far from each other. I see them both…with one good connection I can figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life and with one slip-up I can end up doing something that I hate for the next 15yrs…
Is this making sense?..
I was reflecting on my past 4 years and 4 years ago…my senior year of High School, I knew what college I wanted to attend, what clubs I wanted to participate in, what sorority I wanted to join. And I accomplished those things….I came and conquered CofC….owned that bitch. Now I don’t know what the next step is, what do I have to conquer now? Well I want to conquer the world but I don’t know how….and I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m at a stand still…staring at a wall and waiting for a door to appear. What do I do until then? That’s what I want to know. I’m not one to not have a plan. But I definitely do not have one….and that scares me.
The picture below depicts how I long to feel right now. Pure joy is all in this picture.